What is all the fuss about?
After all some people think that bullying is part of growing up, that it is usually a bit of harmless fun and in fact can help children learn to stick up for themselves. Others think it is something that children just have to put of with or learn to sort out for themselves. But is it?
Bullying is a big fear for many children. One in five children have been found to have experience bullying as a problem and as many as one in two see bullying as a problem in their school. One in ten report being put off school by it and one in twenty suffer it every day for years.
No parent can be confident that their child will never be bully or be bullied. School is where most bullying takes place and it can happen in any school. Bullying can start at a young age and can have a long lasting effect.
What is bullying?
Bullying happens in a relationship between one child and another child or group where some form of abuse of power is used to hurt or reject someone. It can be:
- Verbal (eg being called names, nasty comments made)
- Social (eg being left out, no one talking to you)
- Mental (eg threatened or pressured to conform)
- Material (eg possessions stolen, money taken, belongings damaged)
- Physical (eg being assaulted)
Verbal, social and mental forms are much more common than material or physical bullying.
Name calling is the most common form.
How serious the bullying is depends on a lot of factors including:
- how much the bully intended to hurt
- how much the bullied child was hurt
- how much threat was used
- how often it happens
- for how long it lasts
- how personal
- how many were involved
Bullying is different from fighting which is usually a one-off way of dealing with conflict and from play fighting which is marked by pretend play, laughter, smiles, restraint and turn taking.
Who gets picked on?
Anyone can be bullied. Many children are bullied for no particular reason. Young people are perhaps more likely to be bullied if they are seen as:
- vulnerable - they look as if they won't stick up for themselves
- different - height, weight, colour, looks, disability... an endless list
- isolated - a child's chances of being bullied are greater if they spend a lot of time alone
None of these reasons is an excuse or justification for bullying.
It is important that you:
- support your child not to be an easy target
- don't make your child look different
- encourage and support your child to make friends
Why do children bully others?
Children can bully for a lot of reasons including a lack of confidence, unhappiness, jealousy and being bullied themselves.
Children can bully to achieve a range of things including to:
- show off and look tough
- make a group feel closer by picking on an outsider
- gain attention or material things
- get rid of their anger
- make up for a lack of success
- get some fun/excitement from others' fears
Any differences between boys and girls?
Boys tend to bully both boys and girls while girls mainly only bully girls. Boys will bully other children across the school while girls usually restrict their attention to their own class.
What harm does it do?
Bullying can have a big effect on young people. It can make them feel lonely, unhappy and ashamed. They tend to lose confidence and can become withdrawn and even ill. They may try to downplay the thing which they believe is responsible, eg their ethnic background or academic ability. They might take out their anger on other people, usually their parents or little brothers or sisters. Not surprisingly it can put children off school and affect their progress.
Children who bully will get into trouble at school and may find themselves being excluded from school. Bullying is often the start of getting into trouble with the police. Most bullying children even if they start off as popular end up being very unpopular with other children.
School can be miserable not just for the bullied but for many of those who see it and are upset by it or feel they have to join in for fear of being bullied themselves. Most bullying in school is done in front of other pupils.
What if my child is the bully?
You need to give them some feedback, make them accountable for their behaviour and help them accept responsibility for it. You will need to raise their understanding of how they made it happen and enable them to look at the impact of their behaviour. Help them plan not to do it again, identify the situations to avoid and suggest alternatives to bullying.
Try to avoid threats and warning which will shut your child up. You need to get co-operation without building resentment Concentrate on passing on responsibility not blame, focus on the behaviour not the child, solutions rather than problems. Don't bully your child.
What to do now:
- stay calm and try not to over react
- get them to talk about it and find out what they think is really happening
- describe how you and others see the situation and how you feel about it
- give a clear message that while it is okay to 'stick up for yourself', bullying is not
- give a clear message of the extent of the upset caused
- go to the school right away
What to work on over a longer time:
- assess what he/she does and what he/she gets out of it
- help see the bullied child's point of view
- get your child to make it up in some way
- encourage hobbies where your child can feel better about him/herself
- praise any good behaviour towards other children
- make sure you give your child plenty of time and attention
- use firm but fair discipline
- deal with problems by talking rather than force
Look at yourself. Could you be encouraging bullying without meaning to? Do you:
- not take bullying seriously or not believe it is happening
- tell children to "stop telling tales" or "stick up for yourself"
- blame the bullied child
- have favourites
- join in with teasing or name-calling as a joke
- use sarcasm as the main method of controlling your children
- use unfair or harsh punishments
- go on about a child's problem in front of others
- blame your child for everything
How will I know if my child is being bullied?
Below is a list of warning signs. None of these points directly to bullying and many can be caused by other things. Sudden and dramatic changes in behaviour are important signs of distress. If your intuition tells you there is something wrong, there probably is.
Children being bullied might:
- be unwilling to go to school or avoid particular days or lessons
- be frightened of walking to or from school or beg you to take them
- change their route to school
- arrive late at school or take longer to come home
- avoid friends and other children
- begin doing poorly in their work
- mislay books, equipment or clothing
- ask for extra money of begin stealing
- continually lose their pocket money
- refuse to tell you what is wrong
- start bulling younger brothers or sisters (or you) at home
How they might look:
- come home with belongings or clothes damaged
- come home starving
- have mystery illnesses
How they feel:
- become withdrawn and drop their interests
- become easily startled, irritable, aggressive, have temper outbursts
- lose their confidence
- cry themselves to sleep or have nightmares.
What can I do if my child is being bullied?
Your aim will be to restore your child's confidence in his/her ability to cope and sort things out.
You should expect an emotional reaction from your child such as anger or shame. You are probably going through a range of emotions yourself including feeling helpless, angry, anxious, confused or disappointed.
Stop, stay calm and think through your approach before you do anything. It is important that your child feels you are in control. It is important that you:
- take it seriously: your child is probably more upset than you think
- approach it as a problem to be solved and as something to learn from
- set the scene and time to talk eg find a quiet place
Your first response is important. Try to avoid the common mistakes of being:
- the cynic "no need to get upset"
- the martyr "that's nothing, when I was at school..."
- the brick wall not giving a chance to explain
- the interrogator "I want to know everything"
- the bully "leave it to me"
- the magician "we'll sort it out in no time"
- the judge "I know exactly what you should do"
More helpful responses include being:
- the listener listen patiently and don not jump to conclusions
- the detective investigate sensitively and patiently
- the supporter see the child's side and acknowledge his/her feelings
Give reassurance and acknowledge the problem:
- it is very important to let your child know you are pleased they've told you, you believe them , it is not their fault and you are sorry it has happened.
- make sure they do not believe the things said about them.
- reassure them that they are not the only one to be bullied.
- address any concerns about their safety.
Once this has been done you can:
- find out the facts but resist persistent questioning - go at the child's pace. Seek information elsewhere but try to work through the school.
- give your child a chance to suggest ways of dealing with the problem.
- if the problem continues then go to the school.
Later on you can help your child:
- express any feelings, particularly anger
- practice self defence strategies
- plan a response - give positive and realistic suggestions
- realise that keeping safe is more important than losing things
Always try to be tactful, eg discreetly meet your child if the bullying is happening on the way to or from school.
You can help to rebuild your child's confidence:
- You cannot make friends for them but you can provide opportunities for making friends
- Encourage a new hobby or skill to boost their confidence eg swimming
- Encourage your child to join a club. Start with one with a lot of structure and supervision and move on to one where they will be mixing with more children.
Is hitting back the answer?
Many parents advise their children to hit back if they are being bullied. Consider these points:
- is your child able to hit back?
- will he/she want to?
- is this not what the bully wants?
- are you condoning violence?
- will your child think you mean it is OK to hit first?
- will it get your child into trouble?
Remember that verbal, social and mental bullying are much more common than physical bullying. If your child is being physically bullied, the chances are that he/she is not the kind of child who would hit back. This is why he/she has been bullied in the first place. Don't double their problems by giving advice which they can't live up to. Try to find better ways for your child to stick up for themselves.
Remember that there is more Information and help available to you.